I’d say emptiness — just that feeling of nothingness.
I can’t even find a title for what I’m feeling, or the words to name it.
So I’ll let my hands rest and let my emotions speak loud instead.
Hi guys, it’s her emotion. Sometimes I’m excited and overflowing with life — ready to break a Guinness record or ace every goal. Other times, like now, I feel perplexed: a state where I don’t know what to feel or how to define it. I’m not happy, I’m not sad, I’m not confused — I’m everything and nothing.
My emotions feel dead.I carry a weight in my chest and have no one to share it with. Maybe I could tell my spiritual mentor — what do I even say? “Nothing.” That’s the truth: I don’t feel anything. She’d say, “Mimi, pray. Talk to God. My altar burns at 3 a.m., but still I’m not alright. As a Christian I’m supposed to be fully optimistic, but right now, I have no energy for positivity or negativity.
Maybe I’ll call my sister. She’d probably reply, “Mimi, you’re not a child anymore. Dust yourself off and make money. Life isn’t about feelings; it’s about the value you bring.”
Or I’ll ring my mother — she’d hear the phone, sigh, and tell me she can’t help financially right now. “I’ll hustle, call you back later.
“Friends? I smile in my pain; I don’t wear my feelings on a mask. How would they believe me when I say I’m empty? What would I even tell them?
There’s a situationship guy I could call — but why burden him? He’s not my boyfriend. What if he gaslights me or uses my secret against me? The secrets I carry are heavy.
And then my fingers itch to text an ex — not just any ex, but my favourite. I just want to call: “Hi papi. I need a hug. I’m drowning in thoughts. My mind is clouded. I’m emotionally drained and numb.
” I want to say, “How have you been? It’s been two years of the game: #nowyouseemenowyoudont.
I want to tell him: I graduated, thanks for signing my shirt — I’ll forever smile at that memory. I’m leaving university soon and stepping into the world God is calling me to, and lowkey I’m terrified. What if I find someone who makes my heart beat the way you once did? What if we never cross paths again?
I’m glad you’ve moved on. I have no miraculous expectations. I’m just sad that I might never see my first love again.
I promised myself if I had the chance to say hi before I left, I’d say a few things — but now I have no words. I can’t say I love you because that love has changed. I can’t say I hate you because even in dislike my heart aches. If I meet you before I leave, I’ll probably say nothing, hug you tight, breathe you in, cry, and leave.
If wishes were coin, I’d be rich by now.
In the end, in this emptiness, I realize there are only two people I can fully pour out to: God and myself. They are the ones I trust. That’s all I have to say.
Proudly written by emotions, not hands.
MEDMIMI 